


trouble in paradise

by witchee_writer



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types, The Shadowhunter Chronicles - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst, Feels, Gen, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai Feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-22
Updated: 2020-11-22
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27663374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/witchee_writer/pseuds/witchee_writer
Summary: Jace has been pouring all his attention into Clary and her problems, but what about Alec? What about his parabatai? His brother? Had he damaged the bond between them beyond repair? Jace wasn't sure what he would do if he had.
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland
Kudos: 42





	trouble in paradise

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by all the parabatai feels I noticed when rewatching S1 of Shadowhunters. I couldn't help myself, I had to write a thing.

_'Trouble in paradise?'_

\------

Magnus sounded equal parts curious and amused. Under normal circumstances, Jace would have had some kind of witty comeback, the words rolling off of him like water. But nothing about this was normal and Jace couldn't help but cringe. 

He and Alec had never been so distant before, and Jace knew it was more his fault then it was his parabatai's. He was the one snapping, he was the one putting them all in danger for a girl they had only just met, he was the one leaving behind his siblings for the very same reason. Yes, Alec didn't particularly like Clary. He knew that, felt it in the bond that laid between them but that hadn't stopped him in helping them yet. Alec would do anything for Jace, and if that meant protecting Clary then that was exactly what he would do. He hadn't meant for Clary to be kidnapped by werewolves, Jace knew that, deep in his heart. He didn't know why he had snapped, the hurt look on Alec's face replayed in his mind over and over again. 

Alec hadn't deserved his anger. 

He was his brother, his best friend, the other half of his soul. Jace regretted what he had done, he regretted not clearing the air between them, he regretted leaving him behind. He could feel the hurt in their bond, or at least, he _could_ before the link between them was shuttered. It was easy to tell what the other felt when it was wide open, but that wasn't to say that they couldn't distant themselves. He tried to distract himself for the gaping emptiness of not feeling his parabatai, he threw himself into Clary and her problems, Valentine, all of it. He pretended he was okay when he so desperately wasn't. 

Jace always ignored his problems, threw them all behind a wall of arrogance and wit. Alec... Alec was different, his discomfort was usually plain for Jace (or anyone to see). But Jace had no idea what he was feeling. He couldn't see it, he couldn't feel it. The distance between them was vast, and Jace almost felt as if he was drowning without his parabatai to anchor him down. He felt so far away, Jace didn't know how he was supposed to fix what he had broken. Of course he trusted his parabatai, of course he wasn't angry with him (not really). He had been wrong to yell at him, to accuse him of things that were beyond his control, to turn his fear and confusion on his parabatai instead of just _talking it out with him_ as he should have. 

Jace had found a connection with Clary. He would admit that, he had been drawn to her, he still was. It was no excuse for the way he had been treating his parabatai, for the way he had been acting in general. Alec put high expectations on himself _Jace knew that_ , yet he still threw blame at him. Alec was not as confident as he should have been, was so easily put down. Jace was used to the feelings of anxiety he got from his other half, used to seeking him out and doing anything he could to ease his concerns. Alec never tried to hide how he felt from him, not until now, not until Jace had forced his hand. Was he anxious now? Depressed? Sad? Angry? Jace had no idea. Maybe if he focused on it he would be able to tell, but if Alec didn't want him to know, if Alec wanted a barrier between them then Jace wasn't going to force otherwise. 

He had done this, he had to be the one to bear the consequences. 

_'Trouble in paradise'_ was the understatement of the year. Jace tried to focus on the problems in front of him but he felt distracted with Alec keeping his distance. He hardly even saw him in the Institute unless Jace himself was the one to seek him out. He had apologised for what he had said, tried to heal some of the cracks that had appeared between them but Jace knew that it would take more then that. Alec said it was fine, that there was nothing to apologise for, but Jace _knew_ that all was not fine. The distance remained, the bond between them strangely quiet. He still came on missions, he still helped when Jace asked it of him in the hopes that fighting together would bring them closer again, but Alec remained distant. 

_It hurt._

Jace wondered if Alec could feel his feelings, his guilt, his despair, his fear that this was something that couldn't be fixed. If he did, he didn't say anything. 

There was so much going on it was easy to ignore, easy to pretend. But that was all it was, pretending. Jace wasn't okay, not with the fractured relationship between he and his parabatai. They had fought before, but nothing like this. Alec had usually forgiven him by now, or brought some kind of peace offering that he knew Jace couldn't refuse. Maybe Jace could have done more, handled the situation better then just pretending everything was fine, but Jace wasn't even sure he _could_ handle it. It was easier to just... let it work itself out wasn't it? If he left it long enough everything might go back to normal, right?

_Right?_

Jace was in denial. Because that was easier then facing the terrifying idea that Jace had fucked up so bad he couldn't fix what he had broken. That Alec had finally had enough of him, or worse, that Alec thought Jace didn't care about him, cared more about Clary then he did his own parabatai, that Jace was disappointed in him, thought he was useless. 

He knew Alec well enough that it was more likely to be the latter. 

But no matter what he did, no matter what Jace said, Alec didn't want to listen. He smiled (it never reached his eyes), he assured him that they were fine but they weren't. Jace knew they weren't, the cold emptiness in his chest told him that they weren't. The bond was still there, it couldn't be dissolved that easily but it was as if there was a stone wall separating them now. Jace tried and he tried, but he couldn't get through. If anything, it felt like Alec was getting further and further away from him. 

\------

_'Need a training partner?' asked Jace, an easy grin sliding onto his face. It was a mask, one that he knew Alec with his bright blue eyes could see straight through._

_'I was just finishing up, I have a mission this afternoon,' said Alec._

_Jace tried not to wince, tried to ignore the way his stomach sank. 'A mission? How come I didn't know about this mission?' He eyed his parabatai, carefully. 'Trying to keep all the good ones for yourself?'_

_'Solo mission, you didn't need to know,' said Alec. He shrugged, 'Besides, you've been busy.'_

\------

Busy. 

With Clary, protecting Clary, helping Clary. Jace didn't regret it, would still do anything he could to help her, but he couldn't stand that it had somehow pulled he and Alec apart. It had never been like this, never. Alec had never been so distant from him. He never went on missions without telling him, he never left his messages without a reply. 

Jace knew he could be arrogant, abrasive, a rebel. Alec had always been immune to such things, defending him to the last. Alec still came when they needed help, but he hardly even warned them of the rules, warned them about the risks they were taking- it was as if he didn't see the point, as if he knew Jace wouldn't listen. 

\------

_'You know- you know I didn't mean any of the stuff I said before, right?' said Jace, resisting the urge to chew at his lip. Alec didn't even look up from the paperwork he was doing and for a moment, the rejection burned. 'I-I was just worried about Clary, that's all-'_

_'I know, you've already said,' said Alec, his voice cool._

_'You're not acting like you know.'_

_Alec looked up, 'And how am I acting, Jace?'_

_'Different, distant- if you're angry with me, you can just say-'_

_'I'm not angry.'_

_'You're my parabatai, I trust you with my life,' said Jace, insistently. 'You know how important you are to me, you're my brother. Just, talk to me, Alec. I feel like you don't talk to me anymore.'_

_His face was still blank, still far too distant for Jace's liking. Alec was usually awkward, stumbling over his words when he was uncomfortable. It was as if he had smothered even that down. Had Jace pushed him that far? Was their relationship beyond being saved? Jace felt his heart rate pick up, his throat threatening to close on him. It wasn't possible, he couldn't lose Alec, not like this._

_'I need you by my side,' Jace continued, his voice nothing but a whisper. 'You know I'll always need you by my side no matter what, right?'_

_Again, Alec didn't answer and Jace was starting to get the picture now, see what he had broken. Because even if Alec did lie to him, he preferred not too. Instead, he remained silent, or he diverted the conversation, anything so that he wouldn't have to answer with the truth and that was that no, he didn't believe any of those things. He thought that Jace didn't care about him, saw him as dispensable-_

_Alec sighed, turning his gaze away, 'I'm busy, Jace, let's talk later.'_

\------

They didn't talk later. 

But Jace saw the worried looks Isabelle would send their way (she had stopped being angry and transitioned to concern a few days ago), even Maryse raised a questioning eyebrow at their distance. It was obvious to everyone, Clary had tried to talk to Alec but that had gone about as well as Jace expected it would. Sometimes Alec would leave the Institute, Isabelle said he was meeting up with Magnus. It was the first Jace had heard of it, his parabatai was going to great lengths to keep that quiet. Not that that was hard given how little they spoke these days. 

Did he even need Jace anymore? Jace certainly still needed him. Alec could have spoken to him, could have told him anything. He could be a demon in disguise for all he cared, Jace would never judge him, least of all for liking men. It was yet another thing that Alec had kept from him, but Jace had known nonetheless, he knew his parabatai would tell him when he was ready. He was prepared to support him when he did. Maybe Jace should have made sure Alec had known that, maybe if he was a little less self-absorbed none of this would ever have happened. Alec was always there for him, always getting in trouble with him, taking the blame with him, getting injured with (and for) him, maybe Jace should have returned the favour more. Not that Jace hadn't taken blows for Alec before, he had, many of them. 

Alec had always hated it. 

Jace just didn't know what to do, what he was supposed to do, what Alec needed him to do. Jace felt lost, untethered. He wanted to fix things but he didn't know how. He wanted the distance between them to disappear but he didn't know how. He didn't know what he was supposed to do, how he was supposed to make Alec see. 

\------

_'I don't know what I'm supposed to do,' said Jace, his voice unnaturally quiet. He wanted to reach out and take Alec's hand, but he didn't. 'I don't know what else I can do.'_

_Alec looked at him, confused. 'What are you talking about? We're fine.'_

_Jace shook his head, sadly. 'You might have blocked me out, but I still know when you lie, parabatai. We're not fine, we haven't been fine in weeks.'_

_Alec didn't dispute him, he knew it was true too._

\------

Jace just didn't know what to do. Isabelle said to keep trying, Clary said to give it time. Jace was willing to try anything, he just wanted his parabatai back. He didn't care what it took, he would pay the price. He just needed Alec back in his life, he needed to know when he was feeling sad, when he needed help, when he was sad, when he was in danger. He hated not knowing, he hated that all he could feel was the bond stretched between them, an emptiness in the space left behind. 

They were parabatai, it wasn't meant to be like this. 

The only thing that should have separated them was death, not Jace and his inability to keep his anger under control. He might have lived in despair for the rest of eternity (it was just a few weeks) when Alec appeared at his door, suited up in his gear, his bow on his back. 

\------

_'What are you doing?' said Alec, a frown on his face. 'Get ready, we have a mission.'_

_Jace raised an eyebrow, 'Who else is going?'_

_'Who said we need anyone else?' said Alec, pointedly. Jace felt it then, a flicker of emotion from Alec's side of the bond. It wasn't much, it was just a sliver of something but he felt it for what it was: trust, forgiveness (more then a little bit of exasperation), if there was anything else behind the door he kept it well hidden, but Jace would take what he would get. 'Hurry up, we leave in five minutes.'_

_Alec turned to leave and Jace moved without thinking. He knew there was a long way to go before things were fixed completely, but it was something, it was progress. Jace smothered his parabatai from behind, clinging to him tightly for a long moment. 'I've missed you,' he said, softly._

_For a moment, as Jace pulled away, Alec look flustered. He shook his head, 'I didn't go anywhere, idiot.' Alec cleared his throat, turning on his heel in a movement reminiscent of his mother. 'Enough chatting, I'll meet you at the front door.'_

\------

Maybe Alec had missed him too, maybe all wasn't lost. 

Jace felt lighter then he had in a while as he grinned at his parabatai and Alec rolled his eyes, all business. They didn't talk, not really, not about what they should have. A mission wasn't the right time for such things, but Jace knew it was progress. They would have to talk eventually, they wouldn't be able to avoid it but for now- for now, they had each other and that was all that mattered in the end. 

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry for any mistakes! I only did a quick re-read before I posted. Thanks for all your support! Xx


End file.
